Of Being a Wallflower

I got teary-eyed while watching the trailer for The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I actually became a wallflower when I got separated from my popular high school group during college.

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Tequilla Mondays

I was surprised Monday afternoon by a call from Resty telling me he's back in Manila. I didn't expect him back so soon. Last time we talked was before he left 3 months ago. I remember how excited he was back then, with dreams of earning Singapore dollars and finally hitting it big.

He was a tourist (with hopes of getting a working pass). His girlfriend was there so food, lodging, and travel/shopping money was not really his problem. He told me that once settled, he (together with a bunch of Pinoys) immediately went job hunting. Two weeks before he left for Manila, he got hired by an employment agency (he worked at the agency itself) owned by a fellow Filipino. The employer proceeded to getting a working pass for Resty, but even before the result of the working pass application arrived, authorities raided the establishment and had it closed.

Too bad. So my friend went packing back to Manila cuz it's already his third month and there's no more time to look for a job.

He slept over Monday night. He brought along this half-filled bottle of Jose Cuervo and we ended up drinking till 2 in the morning.

By the way, he's the one who gave me my shih-tzu named Princess who was so ecstatic to see him. Dogs don't really forget their masters no matter how long they've been apart.

P.S.
Yeah, that's a wine glass. The pic above would remind me to buy a jigger or a shot glass for occasions like this.

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G

Monday.

This blog post could’ve been about a Pagbilao trip. Yea, could’ve been. It didn’t push through because my niece, who had been sick since Thursday, got confined in a hospital last Saturday.

She and her sister went to the hospital to have a check-up, but the doctor advised that she be confined. I immediately went to visit her, at the same time to bring her her stuff cuz they went there unprepared.

Anyway, mom slept at the hospital that night which left me home alone. Good thing G messaged me on Facebook asking if I was busy, which I immediately understood that he wanted to drink. It’s Saturday night, and those who didn’t have a night-out were on Facebook. I told him to drop by, but didn’t tell him I was home alone. He might call our other friends on the idea that we could have a house party.

It was my first time to drink Red Horse (I think, or it could be that it was my first time to drink that much). I bought 5 1-liter bottles. I could consume as much San Miguel beer in a one-on-one session.

Anyway, my brother arrived while G and I were just on the first bottle. The brother thought I was alone so he decided to sleep over to give me company. Thanks to him but I already have one. LoL!

But I guess I underestimated Red Horse so much. After only two and a half bottles, my tongue already felt like rubber and my face felt like swelling. I could barely stand but I still managed to walk the short distance from my computer table (which we used as drinking table) to my bed.

I told G to not go home anymore and just sleep over. He immediately agreed and fell on the bed beside me.

I immediately fell asleep, but wakened up a little later by the sound of G throwing up at the sink. LoL! Or rather, yuck!

I thought about getting him a glass of water but I was weak to get up. I was almost asleep when I felt him get back to bed.

Then something happened. I felt his left arm wrap around my chest. I was awakened. He was cold. He was making funny sounds of like when you’re having a chill. Haha. The a/c was just set to 25 and I wasn’t even under the blanket. But he was hugging me it was nice.

Then I did something naughty. I asked him if he was cold, he said yes. I jumped from the bed saying I’d turn the thermostat higher. But I turned it lower instead. 22. I knew I’d be cold as well but what the heck, someone’s there to hug me haha.

G had been just a friend, I don’t remember having a crush on him or having him as an object of my lust. He’s plain and he’s not my type. But it doesn’t matter. A hug is a hug. And yea, it’s just a hug. No harm done.

As I went back to my side of the bed, back turned to him just like earlier, he wrapped his left arm around me again, even searching for my hand to hold it. We were actually spooning, his pelvis smacked on my butt.

The hug was nice but I didn’t take it any further than that. My brother was just in the other room. Finding us in that position would already horrify him, what more if he walked in on us having sex?

I was able able to sleep until my brother knocked around 5 am. Good thing he didn’t open the door. I heard him telling me he’s going home. I then broke from G’s embrace and went to lock the gate.

When I went back to bed, G’s was on his back. It seemed he’s not cold anymore. I hugged him, and took the situation one step further.

He put his arms over his head the moment I wrapped my right arm around him, an indication that he’s not asleep; an invitation that I could do whatever I want.

I slowly slid my hand down to his belly, and eventually reached toward his crotch. His semi-erect manhood was fully hard in an instant, under my fondling. He moved a little and I took my cue. I turned away from him, I wanna be cuddled just like earlier. He followed and embraced me from the back, harder this time. His erect young dick was now pushing hard against my butt; he was pumping hard. I reached around and caressed his butt, pushing it harder towards me.

In one sweep motion, he pulled his basketball shorts and underwear down to mid-thigh. He then took my hand from his butt and pushed it toward his dick. I missed young dicks – smooth, minimal veins, quivering at your slightest touch…

I was jacking him off slowly when he started pulling at my pants. I was wearing a pair of cut-off jeans so he couldn’t just pull it down. When he realized it, he reached around me and searched for my pants’ button. He pulled on the flap and immediately unzipped it. I thought he was just going for my butt, but no, he reached for my dick and jacked me off, too.

I was surprised. Most boys his age would just lay there and have me do whatever I wanted. Most boys his age that I went to bed with would be so shy to even touch me.

It lead me to the conclusion that G is also gay. Or bisexual, at the least.

I broke from his embrace and faced him. I don’t know why but I felt so awkward being held by him. He wasn’t my type or anything. I was just playing along.

As soon as I was facing G, he pushed me down to his dick. It was dark so I didn’t see much. The head was a little round and bigger than the circumference of his young dick, which, if my estimation was right, was around 5 to 5.5-inch long.

I sucked on it for a good few minutes until I heard him moaning and felt his butt tighten. I didn’t wanna swallow so I removed him from my mouth and just jacked him fast. He was pushing my head back to his peen but I refused. He came with my hand covering the head so it wouldn’t spurt of me and the bed sheets. The mess it would make if that happened.

When he finished cumming and when I felt him relax a little, I slowly scattered his cum all over his still hard cock. He groaned. I knew how tender he must have felt down there, but I still insisted on massaging him with his emission. He tried to escape my hand by moving his hips away but I wouldn’t let go. I laughed, louder this time, and he laughed along with me.

“Tama na, masakit,” (“Enough, it hurts”) he said while laughing. I eventually let go and got up from the bed to get a towel in the bath, while instructing him not to wipe it on the sheets.

It was a fun night. I was half-expecting it would be an awkward morning after, but it was not. It was so easy to act normally around him because he acted as if nothing happened. He left around 10 am, after having coffee. I told him I don’t cook so I couldn’t offer him breakfast. He said it was okay and that he really doesn’t eat breakfast so there’s no problem with that.

He sent me a text mid-afternoon saying he’s having a hang-over and that his tummy’s not good. I replied about him being weak and stuff, just like I normally would, and we texted till about before dinner.

My niece was released from the hospital last night. No need for any sleeping buddy. Too bad.

There are still 2 unopened bottles of Red Horse litro here. I really hope to drink it with G again soon.

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One Week

Al and I are no more. I realized, after just a few days of our relationship, that he’s really not ready yet.

On the first Sunday of being “boyfriends,” I asked him for a movie date. It was Prince of Persia’s first Sunday and aside from the fact that I really wanted to see the movie, I knew he was also looking forward to watching it.

It was also his day off and I was kinda glad that everything was going the way I wanted it to – our first date as “us,” we’ll watch a movie that we both like, we’ll dine after watching, the time on our hands cuz it’s his day off.

But then I received a text a little before lunch that day. He wanted to bring CJ along. I wanted to ask why but I decided not to anymore. I knew it. He was not comfortable being around me in public anymore.

We used to go out a lot before we got into the relationship. He’d go with me to the vet when I’d take my shih-tzu for a check-up; he was just one text away when I wanted to eat out and didn’t wanna eat alone; he’d even immediately go to CJ’s when he’d find out I was there.

I realized that perhaps he was just as sweet before because we were just friends; because I was an older friend that he somehow looked up to as an older brother or an uncle, but not really as a lover.

Perhaps we both thought it’s something more than that, so we crossed the line towards a more intimate relationship. And then this happened.

I arrived ahead of them at the resto which was deserted that time of day. It would be usually packed during lunch and dinner time but it was 3 pm. Al and CJ arrived a few minutes after. CJ was all smiles and greeted me and stuff,  but Al couldn’t even look at me in the eye. He just kept on texting someone on his cellphone. I realized just then that it was the first time we met after we became “us” some 5 days ago. And he couldn’t even greet me a simple hi.

He seated across me at the table. CJ  seated beside him. We had halo-halo. And when the waiter brought our food, CJ transferred to the seat beside me. CJ would talk to me about random stuff, while Al wouldn’t even join in. I tried to get him into talking so many times but all he could do was nod or mumble a one-liner. He finally spoke up when we’re about to leave the resto. But he talked only to CJ.

It was fine with me, though. Actually, the minute he texted me he wanted to bring CJ along, I wanted to break up with him and not watch the movie anymore. But the movie date was all set and I really wanted to see it that I told myself to just go on with it. Besides, CJ is also my friend though he didn’t know that Al and I were on.

I sat between the two of them in the movie house. Al was still quiet. He would occasionally laugh and make “oh” and “ah” reactions on scenes but he really wouldn’t talk to me. I tried asking who he’s texting with because he hadn’t stopped texting even while watching the movie, but he wouldn’t answer.

Although sad that Al brought a chaperone to our date, I was glad that CJ was there to actually make me feel that I had company.

It was a date I couldn’t wait to end. Although I enjoyed the movie much, I really felt so awkward that my so-called boyfriend was treating me as if I wasn’t there.

I spent that Sunday night trying so hard to keep myself from texting him angry messages. And he actually had not texted me anything aside from a single “Good night!” which I did not replied to.

I broke up with him the following day, told him that we really should go back to just being friends. He didn’t want to at first, saying that all he needed was time to get used to “it.” He also said sorry that he wasn’t able to equal the love that I was giving him.

But of the 7 days that we were boyfriends, I missed my being single – actually, being single and carefree. I hated the fact that I was again waiting for someone’s text, and being paranoid everytime he would text late. I hated the fact that I needed to match my schedule with someone else before I could even watch a movie. And I’m sure the list would go longer had our relationship lasted longer.

Perhaps I, myself, wasn’t ready for a teenage boyfriend. Being single for so long made it quite impossible for me to bear his indifference and to wait for him to “adjust” to the situation.

I love Al. I know he loves me, too. But I guess being boyfriends wouldn’t do for now. Perhaps later, when he’s more matured, and quite know what a homosexual relationship is really all about.

We’re good friends now, though. Especially after he has broken up with his girlfriend. But that doesn’t mean he’s single now. After a week of breaking up with Mae, Al is now back in his ex-gf’s arms. Someone named Angie. Already met her before I even had a crush on him.

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The Rain

I woke up around 6 and had to look again at the clock to make sure I alarmed it right. It’s gloomy outside. It looked like a good rain was about to fall. And we needed that.

I was doing some chores when it started to drizzle. Lovely. Yesterday’s scorching heat was rewarded with a drizzle today. God loves us, yes.

The rain always reminds me of high school, heartaches, and longing. Not that the other two happened when I was in high school. Heartaches came later in life. Beyond college.

Rain reminds me of when I had to leave the house on a rainy morning during high school. Not that I was afraid of the rain and the traffic, but I didn’t wanna leave my mother behind, alone in our house, during the rain.

I still couldn’t figure that one out until now. But I always wanna be with my mother when it rains. Perhaps because I’m afraid – for myself and for my mom. Afraid of what? Beats me.

I still feel that way. But now it’s not just leaving my mom behind during rainy days that makes me feel down when it’s gloomy and raining. Rains also remind me of my very first heartache. And everytime it rains, visions of Fred and I sitting on the sidewalk near our house while I was crying come flooding back. I was pleading for him to stay when it started raining. And it rained hard. But neither of us cared to leave. We somehow knew it was our last conversation. And I wanted to make it last as long as I can. For his reason of not leaving despite the rain, beats me. Perhaps he was just being polite and didn’t wanna leave me there alone, crying.

Fred moved a few months after the break-up. And he is married now. We saw each other again last year due to a tragic incident. His twin, Freddie, died while working in a Taiwanese ship. I saw it on television. He came here to tell us about it weeks after the news.

I became close to Freddie years after they moved out. And that’s the goodness of not changing numbers. Old friends can contact you without a hassle.

And it was through Freddie that I got to know his twin was already married. But Freddie and I were never an item. I didn’t like him in that way, and I’m kinda sure his feeling was mutual. But we would meet on occasions, And the last time I saw him was when he met me at the church one Sunday. Yea the church became our meeting place that Sunday. I didn’t know it would be the last time I’d see him.

Longing came after the heartache. I guess it’s normal. And I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I long for a smooth and warm human body beside me on the bed when it rains. But believe me when I say that it’s not purely sex that I long for. It’s the feeling of security, of being loved, and of comfort.

But then I guess a warm body next to mine on a bed won’t happen anymore. After all, my solitude is inevitable.

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