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I woke up around 6 and had to look again at the clock to make sure I alarmed it right. It’s gloomy outside. It looked like a good rain was about to fall. And we needed that.
I was doing some chores when it started to drizzle. Lovely. Yesterday’s scorching heat was rewarded with a drizzle today. God loves us, yes.
The rain always reminds me of high school, heartaches, and longing. Not that the other two happened when I was in high school. Heartaches came later in life. Beyond college.
Rain reminds me of when I had to leave the house on a rainy morning during high school. Not that I was afraid of the rain and the traffic, but I didn’t wanna leave my mother behind, alone in our house, during the rain.
I still couldn’t figure that one out until now. But I always wanna be with my mother when it rains. Perhaps because I’m afraid – for myself and for my mom. Afraid of what? Beats me.
I still feel that way. But now it’s not just leaving my mom behind during rainy days that makes me feel down when it’s gloomy and raining. Rains also remind me of my very first heartache. And everytime it rains, visions of Fred and I sitting on the sidewalk near our house while I was crying come flooding back. I was pleading for him to stay when it started raining. And it rained hard. But neither of us cared to leave. We somehow knew it was our last conversation. And I wanted to make it last as long as I can. For his reason of not leaving despite the rain, beats me. Perhaps he was just being polite and didn’t wanna leave me there alone, crying.
Fred moved a few months after the break-up. And he is married now. We saw each other again last year due to a tragic incident. His twin, Freddie, died while working in a Taiwanese ship. I saw it on television. He came here to tell us about it weeks after the news.
I became close to Freddie years after they moved out. And that’s the goodness of not changing numbers. Old friends can contact you without a hassle.
And it was through Freddie that I got to know his twin was already married. But Freddie and I were never an item. I didn’t like him in that way, and I’m kinda sure his feeling was mutual. But we would meet on occasions, And the last time I saw him was when he met me at the church one Sunday. Yea the church became our meeting place that Sunday. I didn’t know it would be the last time I’d see him.
Longing came after the heartache. I guess it’s normal. And I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I long for a smooth and warm human body beside me on the bed when it rains. But believe me when I say that it’s not purely sex that I long for. It’s the feeling of security, of being loved, and of comfort.
But then I guess a warm body next to mine on a bed won’t happen anymore. After all, my solitude is inevitable.
